Pride and Shame: What lies between
Pride and shame are two sides of the same coin, perfect mirrors of one another. Both indicate the need for validation from another, both separate us from our true nature, and both keep us bound to the current version of ourselves.
Pride and shame serve as representations of our disowned parts. They are reflections of fragmented elements within us where we struggle to see ourselves truthfully. Rather than acceptance for who we are, broken or magnificent, we are met with internal resistance that disavows our true nature.
At the core of both Pride and Shame exists the idea that we are not enough.
We live in an environment where confidence is valued over humility. As a society we embrace pride as evidence of strong self-image and view shame as evidence of weakness. At the core of these dualities exists judgement and at the core of that judgement exists the balance of our souls.
Sadly, as we seek our true identity, we look for others who mirror the false information that we tell ourselves. When we feel shame as a predominant emotion, we are frequently in relationships where judgement reigns over truth. Interestingly, the same can be said for pride. This is most notable in instances of narcissistic pride but exists in all manifestations of this trait.
Though we acknowledge that shame can have negative impacts, we in American society often fail to recognize the damage caused by pride. We can see that an overly proud person is surrounded by those who worship the very ground they walk upon. Yet individuals fail to see that the degree to which this pride is embraced, can be measured in direct proportion to that person’s degree of brokenness; just as the degree to which we embrace shame, mirrors our own fragmentation.
The truth lies as the Buddhists teach in the Middle Way.
Walking the middle way, we lean into our feelings of inadequacy, we observe ourselves from the lens of kind-heartedness.
Nurturing our fragmented parts with compassion and understanding we can hold our broken places alongside our strengths, and we can see the beauty of who we are.
In this interconnected state, duality melts away and integration becomes the only path that can bring joy. This is when the true self is allowed to emerge.
In the height of my abusive marriage, I recall swings of grandiosity accompanied by extreme feelings of shame. I allowed feelings of pride to overrun feelings of shame on a regular basis. I recall going to work and feeling like a superstar, only to return to my abusive domestic situation and feel like a failure. The highs and lows seemed a normal part of life and seemed inevitable. I often put pressure on myself to “be better” and “accomplish more”. I would tune into podcasts that encouraged an ego driven identity and would practice affirmations as if they were life rafts in the rapid moving river of despair that I falsely embraced as a “normal life”.
Only when I was able to see myself both broken and resilient, only when I could look at my false belief systems and rewrite the deepest levels of my own thinking, was I able to see myself as whole.
We are not damaged, rather we are evolving. We are not broken; we are differently built. Each of us is a manifestation of our deepest tragedies and our greatest joys.
Our broken places if held with loving compassion, can transform our lives in the most beautiful of ways. When we align with truth, we can see the essence of who we are without judgement, we can liberate ourselves and we can become who we are meant to be.
This liberation is not a gift to keep hidden, rather it is a gift to be shared.
This becomes most evident for parents, who frequently see themselves reflected in the actions of their children. There is an arrogance here, that must be corrected, if one is to align with Spirit. I have learned to never use the words pride and shame or any of their derivatives with my children.
When we experience pride and shame related to the actions of another, we are over identifying with outcomes and failing to see the person as a whole being. This will only serve to contribute to the disintegration of their Spirit.
For example, when we say, “I am proud of my child for perfect grades”, we are over identifying with the accomplishments of another. It is then necessary to ask ourselves, why the achievement generates such intense feeling within us?
Likewise in cases where we are ashamed of the actions of another, we must ask ourselves, why we are over identifying with the negative outcomes of another person.
This overidentification is often because we have established an inflexible identity tied to expectations and outcomes. In this state, we are not liberating our children, rather we are confining them into a fixed identity.
They then will embrace Shame and Pride and continue the vicious pattern of losing their true essence.
Respect for the journey of another is integral to living a full existence. If we can abandon judgement and embrace the experiences of another with humility, compassion, and understanding, we can strengthen our relationships with one another, and abundant love will emerge.
If rather than seeking to arrogantly perfect one another, we can instead be present with one another on the journey, we can live in harmony. In the absence of judgment, we are free.
This is how we strengthen relationships with everyone, ourselves, our children, our spouses, coworkers, friends, and communities. The ripple effects of embracing our true nature cannot be understated.
Our vulnerability makes us stronger, makes us more authentic, and deepens our affinity with the interconnectedness of all things.
This is the path to liberation.